Nighty Night thoughts again
Once again, I sit here in my chair. It's 23:23, and I have done nothing to move forward in my life. I did not study for the degree I desperately want to finish. I did almost nothing to organize my life in general. There are too many undone things, but I did a few, and the last ones are not as important as they seem. Yet they linger, and I have to do them. They feel like a cloud overshadowing my emotions.
There is also the old flat, which throws a big shadow. Things stress me out, and when I don't engage with them, they don't go away. They just stay and cast a shadow over me. After living in the shadow for way too long, it almost feels like I have a vitamin D deficiency — but for happiness.
The biggest shadow is my procrastination. Everything else is a small cloud. That's a wall of clouds. It takes away almost all the light, and I can't get away from it. I can't engage with the thing in order to cast them away. They stay, and they become bigger. I know what to do about it. I know everything about procrastination. I know my patterns. I know my excuses. Yet I do nothing to change anything about it. I feel deeply unsatisfied with that.
There is also the thing with skating: I want to go to a skatepark and learn tricks. I can ride, but I know no tricks. I can't bring myself to go to the super-close skatepark and just do something. I just can't. I don't even know why. I think it's because I don't want to be seen as an absolute amateur who can't do any tricks. That's ridiculous. And whenever I pass the skatepark, it's empty or has just one person in it. I see that and think: Oh yeah, well, I totally could have done it now. It wasn't that bad. I was wrong in telling myself all those bad things beforehand about what would happen there. None of that would have happened. And I miss out. I feel the regret. And I go on with my day, hoping that next time it will be different. But it's never different.
I never changed my procrastination. I don't have deadlines, so I don't have the incentive to finish anything. I don't have a set schedule, so I just put the work off for later. I can't deal with that. When given a schedule to follow, I do well. I learn, I prepare, and get good results. But this time, I'm on my own. It seems all my solutions to these problems are only temporary. I am stuck. I feel stuck. And I feel alone in that.
With everything I do, I feel like I push that one big goal away. As long as I don't have to engage with it — because I don't have to — I will push it away. Two days ago, I spent half the day setting up a home server instead of studying. And the server was scrapped at the end because it was too weak for its intended purpose. Half a day gone. The rest of the day was planned for as well. Another day, no studies. Well, tomorrow is another day, right? Just like today, where I told myself the same thing.
I don't want to engage with all of that. I don't want to feel stupid. I want to avoid the associated negative feelings. Remapping them to more positive feelings when I study is not happening. But when I studied, I felt better. Yet it never stuck. I am so behind that I feel terrible, and the smallest things that life demands to be taken care of come on top of it, and it all seems like so much more than it really is — yet I suffer from it.
Sure, I can promise myself that I will work on it, as I have done multiple times and will do again. But what is the change that I didn't attempt yet? What is the thing that I have to try again? What is the mistake I make over and over? What simple answer am I refusing to see? Or, more, refusing to acknowledge. I kinda know. But that is not moving me forward.
There is a missing piece. I think it's the same piece I miss in other places — the piece that would make me commit to sticking the trick on the skateboard. And then, in other areas, like snowboarding or coffee making, I don't care about these missing pieces. I am beyond them. I just do. Don't always do great, but I keep going, and there is great progress and things to show for it. Why is it so different for other life areas?